Hey, I’ve been following a lot of blogs and reading a lot of material on wellness and mindfulness lately, and on paying attention to your feelings, your needs, your desires—why is that so damn hard to do, anyway? It “shouldn’t” be (I could very much benefit from banning the “shoulds” from my vocab). If I had learned this set of skills from an adult as a kid, practicing mindfulness would be a natural ability, and I wouldn’t even have to think about it today. But, as it turns out, I didn’t. Society plays a significant role in teaching us that we have to push down our feelings and that outside expectations are far more important than the inside ones.

So I have been spending many hours of my days trying to find ways to listen to myself and to connect with myself and with this place inside that I call home (as Sheryl Paul does as well). I want to be a writer. I want to write about all the things that matter to me, all the things my sensitivity makes me see, think and feel. Really, I want to be “out”. I want to stop hiding, concealing, pushing down all of my feelings like I still do all the time, even with the people closest to me. (I think) they have no idea of the how my mind is filled with intense thoughts and feelings, wishes of happiness, questions, doubts, self-doubt, wisdom, whatever many things go through my mind every day.

I believe I have a lot to offer to the world (as each one of us does), but it isn’t all rainbow and butterflies. I might express some fears that make absolutely no sense to you, but, for me, they are as real as a snake crawling under your feet. I will tell you “please, don’t put that glass on the edge of the table. Are you trying to cause an accident?” because it is so clear to me that a glass at the edge of a table is the perfect set up for another person to come and mindlessly knock it off the table. I mean, you may think, even if that happened… It is only broken glass, REPLACEABLE broken glass, and guess what? You’re right. But given the possible outcomes from the glass breaking (cuts on your hands, cuts on your feet, tiny pieces of glass in your feet, in your legs, having to thoroughly clean broken glass, having to prevent children from stepping on glass, having to keep doing that for the next two of days until you’re sure to have cleaned up all the little pieces… oof! I get tired just from making this list), believe me, I will risk being a “weirdo” and tell you what to do before I let you put that glass on the edge of that table.

And that, folks, is how I think. Now, imagine having the same sort of train of thought on pretty much every single moment of the day. And I am not TRYING to be this way, TRYING to be a pessimist. That is just the way my mind works. It processes everything in details. It is very aware of its surroundings, and its surroundings will have an effect on it as well. And that effect is manifested in many feelings and thoughts throughout the day. That can be tiring sometimes, especially when I am confronted with unfamiliar situations. Thus, it makes sense that my mind will go to great lengths in order to avoid difficult, messy situations. Like, making you move that glass from the edge of that table.

Well, you might be thinking— What’s the big deal? Well, my friends, I’m not THAT special. Research in the U.S. has shown that one out of five people’s brains behaves like that. Is it all bad? No, of course, it isn’t. Being this aware of your surroundings means you are also more aware of people’s feelings and subtleties. To me, it means that sometimes I can understand people better, be more empathetic, and know exactly what to do to help a person through a difficult time. Frequently, when two people are in conflict, I can get underneath the surface and assess what the real issue is beneath the words being said. However, just because I know what to do, it doesn’t mean I will tell you. I seldom tell people how I truly feel about a situation, even if asked, for sometimes people will ask your opinion in search of validation, not in search of the truth.

This high processing of information is all very tiring, of course, hence my constant need for down time. That is especially true when I am a lot around people during the day or the weekend, and even more so since I found out about this trait and stopped dismissing all of my thoughts and feelings. But, you know what? Even if I need more time to settle down and process all the information gained throughout the day, I now KNOW I need such time. And that makes all the difference. I am more conscious and have more tools to help me find peace and calmness, for instance through a mindfulness practice. Even with the urge to control everything, I know I need to practice the art of letting go through watching my thoughts as they are, watching my feelings as they come up, letting go of control, and dealing with the messy situations as they come. I won’t tell you I have learned all there is to learn about how my mind works, but heck– being able to talk with you about this… I’d say it’s a start.